You’re in a bar, maybe celebrating the weekend or just blowing off some steam, but you’re not enjoying yourself because you’re getting the cold shoulder from the bartender. Maybe it’s them, but probably not. What’s more likely is that your etiquette is lacking, so what to do?
Well, if you want a drink, then DON’T…
1. Fail to have your money ready
We’re waiting on you. Everyone else is waiting on us. Therefore, by the Transitive Property of Equality, everyone is waiting on you. Rule #1: Have your stuff together. Not only will following Rule #1 get you served quicker in a bar, it’s a good general rule to adopt in life. All about efficiency, people.
2. Put pennies and nickels in the tip jar
We don’t want that crap in our pockets any more than you do. We don’t have anything smaller than quarters. Have you ever ordered a drink that cost $3.17?
3. Wave money
Oh, you’ve got a dollar! So does the guy next to you.
4. Give the ever-expanding drink order
You want a Bud. I go get it. I come back and now you want a Margarita. Okay, no prob. I come back, and (oh yeah!) now you want a shot of Tequila, too. You really could have told us this all at once. See Rule #1.
5. Say “make it strong!” or “put a lot of liquor in it”
Are you one of those rare people at bars who like their drinks “strong?” When you say this, it’s like you’re assuming I make weak drinks (which is insulting) and you’re assuming that I’ll stiffen this one up for my new best buddy, you. This is the best way to get a weak drink.
6. Yell out the bartender’s first name
There’s something unnerving about hearing your name called out, turning around and seeing a complete stranger. That’s one of the reasons strippers use stage names. Bartenders do too. Mine is Pixie.
7. Whistle. Just don’t.
You whistle at dogs, not people.
8. Assume we know you’re in the band
We know, we know, you’re gonna be really famous, but you’re not there yet, tiger. Tell us you’re in the band and which band you’re in…chances are we’ll have something to talk about. If you act like a pretentious ass, then we definitely won’t. Capiche?
9. Assume we know you. Period.
Unless you’ve followed the first “Do” rule below, we don’t remember you. You are one of a thousand faces for us, and when you point at an empty glass or a beer bottle that’s invariably facing away from us, your attempt at a shortcut backfires. Please just tell us what you want.
10. Apologize for sucking
Don’t apologize for not tipping. Acknowledging that you suck is not the same as not sucking. Oh, and don’t say “I’ll get ya next time.” We know all about you.
11. Be “The Microbrew Aficionado”
Usually a pseudo-hippy who can’t tip a quarter but can’t bring himself to drink “schwag,” and who has to sample some new berry-wheat-harvest-ale that he heard about at Burning Man. “Do you have the new Vernal-Equinox Special Welcome-Fest?” “Does Anyone?” Here’s your Newcastle. Go.
12. Assume soft drinks are free
Are they free at McDonald’s? Are they free at Wal-Mart? Are they free anywhere? I blame M.A.D.D. for this myth.
13. Ask me to charge your phone behind the bar
Every bartender is different about this, but if they’re busy no one wants to deal with your technology. Also, if you drink too much and leave your phone you’re going to have a bad morning. And no bartender wants you to have a bad morning.